I’m

a girl; 5 Feet 5’’ tall with a feminine physique that men would drool over (will come to that part later). I’m someone, who is very optimistic and looks at life from a balanced perspective. Well, that was before I joined Facebook, things just changed afterwards.

You see, prior to joining the popular social media, there was some part my brain, always telling me that all people should be treated equally with love and kindness. I believed that there was no such thing as sexually frustrated guys, stalkers or creeps – Turns out I was wrong. It seems that there was a whole closet full of Big Bad Wolves, strange figures in trench coats and all sorts of things that a girl wouldn’t want to go for.

Based on my strange encounters with men on Facebook, I classified them under different categories. That being said, I’d like to apologize to all the guys out there, who’d probably have their rosey cozy heart trampled after reading this post. [Sorry pals, it had to be this way…]

How I Started Using Facebook?

It’s going to be my 4th year as a Facebook user. Though I have been a member for such a long time, I left my profile practically untouched for almost a year. Within that 1 year, I wanted to get some fresh air and leave Facebook for a while.

As a non-Facebook user, I always thought that this online platform is for people who can’t get enough of good things in real life. I used to think that some people joined Facebook purely with the intent of getting some company, making new friends, pretending to be the exact opposite of their current self and be total sexual weirdos, while doing it. This aforementioned population still exists, but there’re good people out there too.

My motives were pretty much linked to the ones that any girl on Facebook would have. You know the usual drill:

• Teasing
• Acting a little slutty but not claiming to be a Slut…
• Be a “cool” girl with lot of online male ‘n female homies
• To have little bit of this; little bit of that – something going in ‘n out of fashion

There were tons of other things on my list as well. Girls, at this particular point, will definitely disagree with my liberal use of bullet points up there. They’ll badger me for bloating the entire female sisterhood with the “Slut” title, but let’s be honest. There is a little nympho in every woman; we’re not saints. Some of us can’t control their sluttiness, while others can – simple as that.

Whatever the way it is, I think of myself as a calm person who’s in total control of herself. Hence, I’d be in the second category – guys will find me there with rest of the female lot. Guys will also think that I’m pure evil, which is not true at all, hey I’m good too and I have always been good to people. I don’t like breaking hearts, which means that at times I have to lie a lot. Think of me as “Emma Stone” from “Easy A” movie – that’s who I’m in real life.

After one year of my absence at Facebook, I came back and accepted all the Friendship Requests. Now I have 3,660+ People in my list that I don’t want to piss off. Some of them are nice, some are haters and totally don’t like me but still want to hang out with me, some play it nice but are actually not nice and vice versa.

Anyway, take a look at some of the classifications below:

• The Play It Nice Guys:

Okay, so I have this guy in my friend list and every time I do something, he has to be there to butt in with his opinion. He acts like my mother, which, I believe, is not cool at all. Not to mention the fact that he either looks old, or he’s actually too old (looks like my dad too), but claims that he’s of my age. I’m somewhere in my 20s).

He started with my cursed inbox by initiating with Hellos and Hi’s. 3 days later, he claimed to be my best friend. Excuse me! I don’t even know you Sir, and you’re acting like as if we’ve been butt buddies for years now. His occasional praises are like this:

• Please change your display pic, that’s morally or unethically wrong.
• Please meet someone for me in person because I’ve lost contact with him
• You’re so nice, you’re my best friend

I wouldn’t be surprised to see him making monkey shines around me any time soon in real life. But for now, I can say that he’s the harmless remix-tapes, and oh-we’re-BFFs-till-the-end sort of person.

• The Worst Kind of Nice Guys:

Okay, these pestilent vermin are extremely poisonous. Ladies don’t see them coming until it’s too late. I had this guy in my list, which I added 3 days ago. Yesterday, I wrote this in my status message, “M feeling Sad n Blue… What’s a girl gotta do to make herself feel Happy?” Granted that I wasn’t replying to his previous messages and pleas, he took this status message as an opportunity. “He wrote down “S*ck my *&^$ and be happy”.

Wow, I didn’t see it coming at all. Whoosh… he instantly went to the “Unfriend”, “Block” and “Sexual Harassment” complaint area. Suits him right. Seeing to the fact that I’ve been keeping my distance, there’re still people out there who’d pick up a fight with you, for no reason.

The Brown Hole Attitude Guys:

This category of guys is really the most depressing type. They’re never too happy about anything; mostly “Brown Hole Attitude” guys are people who’ve been divorced, office clerks and the special portion of male population that can’t bear to see a successful female. Ladies, these jerks will discourage you from doing everything, all the time.

I have a fellow who thinks that there’s no point in being a writer. He also thinks that God accidentally sent me to earth and I was better off if I wasn’t born at all. At one point, the guy sent me his phone number, which I never asked for, and told me to talk to him. He said that he’s divorced and needs company, but I didn’t call him. Side Note: I never call anyone on my Facebook Friend list; it’s not my kinda party.

• The Modern Romeos:

This population of males at Facebook is all up for love – They live and breathe love, and I believe that if they take a huge dump, tid bits of poetic parchment could be found in their pudding. Love, Love, Love… the world is all about falling in love with a person, who you don’t even know in real life.

I wonder why and how these guys actually manage to fall in “love” with a girl. It’s like they don’t even wait for her approval and just barge right in. Wow Mr. Anonymous, I just let you post a poem on my Wall and now you’re all over it.

Girls are encouraged to delete their posts from their wall, because most of them will consist of photos of Cute Bunnies, Kittens, Lonely Hearts and 3^rd Grade poetry.

• The Tag-You’re It Types:

I had over 200 photos and videos in my Facebook account. They were not my photos but somehow Facebook made me believe that I was somewhere in there. “Photos of You” and “Photos of Me” are two things that will reveal a whole directory of pictures that are of someone else.

Guys and the general Facebook population do this all the time. There’s a face close-up shot of a dude wearing sunglasses and on top of it, it shows “Photos of You”. Under the Photo, there’re tons of Girl names, which means that the tagging gig was meant to attract attention without saying anything.

To get rid of this mess, search for your name through the “Ctrl+F” and the “Remove Tag” query. The browser window will highlight “remove tag” right in front of your name under the ugly mug shot. Click the words and that’s it. The photo will no longer show in your photos directory. The same stuff goes for Videos.

• The Emo Male Population:

They love to be your friend. Down the road, the emo male will start sharing details of his personal life with or without your consent – it don’t matter to them. For some reason they want you to act like a mentor. This kind is quite rare but girls always stumble over them, once in a while.

I’ve seen Emo guys who actually put pics of their hands with their girlfriend’s name tattooed on them. Some use Photoshop for this technique, but the bottom line is that they’re always going to remain in this special category. This population of guys needs to straighten up their priorities and not think of their female contacts as their moms. Not Cool.

• The Call-Me-Please Types:

Every now and then, there’s a stranger showing up in my inbox with a request to call him. He’d drop his phone number and say, “Plzz plzz plzzz call me at this number (1-800-AS*H*LE), I’d love to hear from you.”

I do wonder about the total number of girls they’ve shared their phone number with. Obviously, I wasn’t the first one on their list. Oh, and wait a minute, did I tell you about a guy who said that his biggest birthday gift would be a phone call from me? Awww… so cute, but I’m not buying it.

• The Actual Nice Guys:

Yeah, as I said before, there’re good guys out there. Or if they’re faking it, I gotta give them credit for that. They’re the ones you can have an actual conversation with. They’ll make you laugh; never get too personal and will always have a life of their own.

They don’t depend on girls at Facebook or from any other social media. They just log on and talk to them for a while. As much as girls like to keep their private stuff private, these guys also like to do the same thing. They’re playing nice, they’re there to listen, share and talk about different stuff.

But whatever you do, don’t fall in love with them. Long distance relationships are not meant to last or work. They do work, but there’s a very minute percentage of it.

Facebook, in the end, will always be a virtual platform with chances of girls or innocent guys being the subject of real life crisis. Keep your stuff private; be friendly but always distant from people. It works, trust me. As of the last 2 months, I’ve minimized my overall Facebook time to 15 mins. Maybe you should do it too, its called Facebook Sobriety in my opinion.

Editor’s Note:

This post was Written by my Guest Author and Marketer. Feel free to Add her as a “Friend” at Facebook.